Today's Playlist: Blue Light Till Dawn, Cassandra Wilson. Blue Lines, Massive Attack. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, Lauryn HIll. Whats Going On, Marvin Gaye.
This entry is for those out there whove lost their light, will or sense of purpose.
2019 has been a trying year for me. Life has squeezed so hard I cant breathe. Everything I did felt wrong. The more I tried the more I failed. Made excuses for the behavior of those around me. Slowly disappeared I into myself because I started to believe I had no value. My definition of value being what others think of me and my achievements. What happened to the kid who wanted the biggest life ever? Am I having a midlife crisis?
It took a random persons assessment of me to really look deep within myself and ask myself a difficult question: Why am I hiding?
Amsterdam Nov. 15, 2019
Leon Klassen Creative Director/Founder of http://leonleon.com . A wonderful soul.
A renaissance man.
We discussed branding. The need for change. The fear of change. What audiences need vs. what they want. The art of selflessly listening and giving.
"Oh honey! he says. You need to let your light shine! I'm seeing you and you're just blinking. A little light here a little light there. Show me who you are. Shine bright!"
Huh? I thought. What kinda Dutch-crazy-fuckery is this?
He continued and said upon meeting me he saw talent, but something was holding me back. He got the sense I was hiding. I was missing consistency in spirit. As if I were broken. My light would pop through when we talked about branding then it would go away. Then he went on to say your greatest strength isn't your smarts its your humanity.
Bomb right? I picked my mouth off the floor put it in my backpack and headed back to Maastricht.
How to process our conversation? The feedback was insightful and on point.
So I began my journey of trying to figure this out.
Berlin Nov. 29, 2019
Wandering the streets of Berlin. Lost in space. Stimulated by art gallery installations.
Admiring the complexities of simple design. Checking out amazing boutiques.
Way in the back of my mind…contemplating the question: Why am I hiding?
Berlin Dec 1, 2019 (on the train back to Maastricht)
Why am I hiding? This question is difficult to answer in a truthful manner. As a man. As a black man Ive been taught to roll with the punches. Ive never been comfortable with being vulnerable.
Im afraid… of making mistakes, the repercussions of wrong decisions, of opening myself to only to have my opinions used against me, of situations I cant control.
The problem: My experience with daily racism and micro aggressions. Im expected to work harder, judged harsher and expected to be perfect. Mistakes are unforgivable. Yet Im expected to forgive transgressions while my feelings are dismissed. Im always expected to rise above conflict and turn the other cheek. If I speak up Im seen as aggressive or confrontational.
Why Does It Exist? My surroundings: Lack of compassion, diversity and accountability. Complacency. Global acceptance of preconceived narratives.
Me: Internalizing my feelings. Being dismissive of my experiences. Stifling my opinions out of fear of disappointment and/or retaliation.
Im always playing a role, A caricature. I do it well…Until I dont.
The Solution:
Giving myself permission to be myself.
Dream of aspirations.
Frequently check in with myself.
Surround myself/cherish time spent with people who lift my soul and challenge my mind.
Work at unlearning behavior/habits (like hiding).
In conclusion, Im almost at Dusseldorf. I look up and the old lady whom I helped with her bag (and whose been staring at me intensely this whole time) says in I see you puts her hand on mine. This act is SO UNgerman. But I was truly touched. This is the beginning.
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